OPINION CONTRIBUTORCats are Republicans, dogs are Dems
By KEITH KOFFLER | 8/19/11 4:21 AM EDT
I know it may be upsetting for many of you to discover the animal you cherish is of the opposite political party.
Would former President Bill Clinton ever be able to admit to himself that the late Socks was a Republican? Could Democrats ever bring themselves to forgive Checkers, the dog – and a Democrat – who belonged to Richard M. Nixon and whose mention in the famous 1952 “Checkers speech” helped save Nixon’s political career?
When cats are born, they believe they are in a state of liberty, and from then on they are determined to keep it that way. No one tells them what to do. They don’t believe it takes a village, because they know they might have to take instructions from the village idiot in the local government.
And, sorry if you’ve got one and you’re a Republican — but dogs are liberal Democrats. Some are possibly Socialists, though probably none will ever admit it.
Dogs are communal by nature. They run in packs. They dream of their days as wolves, sharing responsibilities.
Sure there’s a pecking order – an alpha, a beta and a zeta. It’s only humans who pretend that egalitarianism levels the playing field entirely.
Unfortunately, this instinct to subvert their personal welfare to the good of the whole also makes dogs easy to control. Big brother, in the form of their human masters, creates laws and executive orders that dogs slavishly abide.
Canines want rules and regulations to follow. If you could teach them to read and talk, they’d be carrying Mao’s Little Red Book and citing its verses.
They show little initiative. A dog is not particularly entrepreneurial and would never start a small business. If he did, he’d let you tax it at confiscatory rates — as long as you gave him a treat.
The best you can do with a dog is train him to work on an assembly line, doing the same trick, time after time. He’s a natural proletarian, waiting for his union card to come through.
Dogs will also happily take a government job.
Dogs were very excited when President George W. Bush created the Department of Homeland Security. They were more than ready to sniff for bombs or protect secure government sites, that sort of thing. One even signed up for the raid that took out Bin Laden.
But dogs also want to save the world generally. They’re bleeding heart liberals.
Some, you may have noticed, are community organizers, herding sheep and other creatures of the field into groups for the betterment of their welfare.
Many dogs eagerly sign up each year for government programs to assist the blind. And who ever heard of a cat running into burning building to save their owner?
Which brings us back to cats.
Have you ever tried to get a cat to do something? Anything at all? Out of pure principle, they will reject your command — even if they know full well it will benefit them.
Because above all else, above even their personal welfare, cats value freedom.
How else to explain that cats will spend all day looking out the window, but then if you put a leash on them to take them out, they’ll drop to the floor and scowl at you as if you were worst thing possible —perhaps an auditor from the Internal Revenue Service.
While we’re on the topic, cats would never pay taxes. Taxes are for suckers, they’d tell you.
But put a leash on the dog, and he’ll happily trot out the door and go wherever you take him.
This is really why cats hiss at dogs – not because dogs chase them.
My cats watch me endlessly throwing a tennis ball for my border collie – supposedly the smartest dog – and sneer with contempt. Such mindless obedience to a task. Such desperation to please. Disgusting.
Unlike dogs, cats have not had the ability to hunt bred out of them. I mean dogs can hunt, but only to chase their prey up a tree.
Cats finish the job. They are natural proponents of the Second Amendment. If they could get their paws around a trigger, they’d shoot to kill. Dogs are born skeet shooters - fishermen who throw their catch back in the lake.
What’s more, cats would gladly enforce the death penalty. Particularly for dogs.
Cats favor a foreign policy that is so assertive they sometimes need to be declawed. Dogs run together in a U.N.-style “dog park,” where they willingly submit to an overseeing body of owners whom they charge with keeping the peace.
But cats are to the left dogs when it comes to the environment. Just watch how they carefully cover up their business in their sandboxes, keeping everything fresh and nice. Dogs will – how shall we say – pollute right in your front lawn.
This doesn’t make dogs Republicans or cats Democrats. It just means that sometimes they can see the other side’s point.
Which of course makes them each wiser than their elected representatives in Washington.Keith Koffler, who covered the White House as a reporter for CongressDaily and Roll Call, is editor of the blog White House Dossier.
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