5th Round Pick - Traded
Joined: November 15th, 2004, 7:24 am
Hilarious golf story
I found this story in a golf discussion forum. I'm just glad that I don't have allergies! Here's the story:
Here's a recent sad event for you regarding a driver of mine:
This sordid tale of golf destruction took place about 2 or 3 months ago:
I got to the Tournament Club of Iowa (TCI) at 8:45 am this morning for a 9:30 tee time. I was a guest of Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Iowa, and was looking forward to a round of golf on someone else's nickel today.
As I am putting on the practice green, awaiting our start...I feel an unfamiliar tickle in my eyes, nose, throat, and sinuses...you guessed it, I was starting an allergy attack. before we even started playing, I started sneezing...damn near uncontrollably. Let me tell you how I sneeze...the force is so much that I am quite literally in pain...I feel like my sternum is going to pop out of my chest like in Aliens. To make matters worse, the jackass that was our other guest lights up a damn cigarette...things went from bad to worse, and my eyes became swollen and puffy, and I had all kinds of snot just running out of my nose...and to say I felt like warmed over dog **** would be an understatement. Believe it or not, I managed to par the first hole.
I come to the second hole, and in between sneezing fits, I promptly hit two very low, very ugly duck hooks into a water hazard directly in front of me...I end up taking an 8, and looking like an idiot.
The allergy misery continues until the fourth hole, and this is where things got so bad that all I could do was laugh. I started sneezing and sneezed so hard I sharted. For those of you that do not know what a SHART is, it's a combination ****/FART...yup, a goddamn hershey kiss shot out of my rectum into my shorts. Ok, let's recap...allergies, shart, squishy feeling, OH, let's jack up the heat and humidity today...thankfully the **** house was on the 5th hole, so I went in, threw away my undies, cleaned myself off and progressed on.
I ended up shooting a 46 in allergy infested, shart drawered sticky misery, and that was with two eights...and both of them because of my beloved Blade X400...this becomes relevant on the 15th hole.
Fastforward to hole 15. At this point, I want to just die. My eyes are darn near swollen shut, my sinuse are on fire, and I feel horrid. The two guys with us are smoking up a storm, and I am in agony. I step up to the tee, a dastardly 330 yard par 4 with an approximate 230 yard forced carry. There is a huge drop off to the left of the tee box...like about a 100 foot drop down into very thick, tangled, horrid underbrush. Everyone tees off, the two cigar/cigarette jackpipes don't make it (I grin at their anguish), and I prepare to tee off...somewhere in that Shart/Allergy/TCI Deathmarch I crush a drive...but something is amiss...it feels awful...and that sound...what the heck was that...as I am admiring my drive, I see what looks like a bowling ball flying off to the left and down into the ravine...it was my driver head. I had a catastrophic shaft failure...it just snapped at the hosel. This explains the poor driving performance of the day, as it was obviously already broken/cracked.
This was all I could stand...I had been cool all day, but there was a string of profanity that is still being woven somewhere in space, and it originated on that hole. I have really grown to love my Blade X400, and now it's gone...down into the depths of hell, I mean TCI.
I finish out the round, and ask the management for a cart to go back and search for my driver head. After 5,693 stickers, 3,458 thorns, falling down into a creek, getting mud all over my rectum and legs, and roughly an hour of my time, I came up empty. The Blade X400 is no more, and I am pissed.
So, to recap...allergies, misery, humidity, poopy drawers, a broken driver, and I lost my driver head.
This was by far, the worst round of golf in my entire life. What can you do but laugh.