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 Joke of the Day 
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William Clay Ford Sr.
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m2karateman wrote:
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different....Two Different
Versions....................Two Different Morals
____________________________________

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


____________________________________

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with
a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody
cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the
news stations film the group singing,'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah
Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's
sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush,
President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's
plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King
that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both
call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green
bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home
is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the
grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends
finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government
house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the
house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the
ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with
it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be Careful how you vote in 2010!!!


OOPs, I mistook this as the JOKE of the day thread.


March 16th, 2010, 10:38 am
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RIP Killer
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Dear Lord,
This past year you have taken my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just want you to know that Obama is my favorite President.
Amen

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March 29th, 2010, 3:08 pm
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A man goes to his doctor for his checkup. He has just turned 60 and is beginning to feel his mortality taking hold of him.

After a complete and thorough battery of tests, the doctor is awaiting some lab results, so the man decides to speak with his doctor.

"Doc, how am I looking? Do you think I'll live to be 80?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "Well, do you smoke or drink excessively?"

"No," he says "I never did smoke and rarely drink alcohol."

"Do you like to eat greasy foods, red meat or sweets?"

"No doc", the man replies "I'm actually kind of a health food nut. I usually eat lots of vegetables, grains, fruits...stuff like that. I can't remember the last time I ate a dessert, had fast food or cooked a steak."

So the doctor continues, "Do you enjoy any extreme sports, like hang gliding, sky diving.....something that is edgy like that?"

"Oh no" the man says "At my age? I've never done that sort of stuff. I'm not about to start now."

"OK" the doctor says "on a personal level.....do you enjoy the company of prostitutes? Chase after women in bars or have lots of one night stands with women you hardly know?"

"Doc" the guy says "I'm a married man. I am faithful to my wife, even though we stopped having regular sex about 5 years ago."

The doctor says "Well then, tell me. Why do you give a sh!t if you live to be 80?"


March 29th, 2010, 4:53 pm
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Post 
Not necessarily a joke, but funny none-the-less

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxAz9lKvclc

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April 1st, 2010, 11:23 am
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QB Coach - Brian Callahan
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Saving Obama

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid Mikey said, 'I want to go to Disneyland .'

Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane.'

The second kid Arnold said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Jordan shoes.'

Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid little Johnny said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

Little Johnny said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your rectum from drowning.'

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April 7th, 2010, 8:39 am
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Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ......
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


April 9th, 2010, 3:03 pm
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TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR COMPANY HAS CHANGED TO THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW PROPOSED HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day...."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error..

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for no_adds and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.


April 9th, 2010, 3:04 pm
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Commissioner of the NFL – Roger Goodell
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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the
head and the badonkadonk are interchangeable."

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April 11th, 2010, 9:31 am
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Can I get an "AMEN", LMFAO :lol:


April 12th, 2010, 10:52 pm
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Commissioner of the NFL – Roger Goodell
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If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test !
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".

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April 13th, 2010, 2:52 pm
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Quote:
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.



MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.



I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.



COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?



UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.



THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.



AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .



'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.



WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.



HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'



YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.



HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.



THEN, THAT UGLY,



OLD,



BALD,



WRINKLED FACED,



FAT-ASSED,



GRAY-HAIRED,



DECREPIT



SON-OF-A-BITCH



ASKED,




'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???



Sorry for the crappy formatting; recevied this in an email and am too lazy to re-formt :P

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Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....


April 19th, 2010, 10:40 am
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said...
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Henry, do we still have intercourse?"

There was a hush in the aiting room. You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...
What we have is...

Blue Cross!"

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April 27th, 2010, 10:43 am
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Post Drinking with a Kentucky Girl
Drinking with a Kentucky Girl


A Mexican, an Arab, and a Kentucky girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The Kentucky girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In Kentucky, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."




:twisted:

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May 7th, 2010, 8:32 pm
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
Quote:

THE MAN RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES'
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE


NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED '1 '
ON PURPOSE!


1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM only IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.


1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.


1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US..

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... Really.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.


1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT..


BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

.



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Detroit vs. Everybody
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right....


June 29th, 2010, 9:48 am
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
HAHA, love it!

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June 29th, 2010, 11:30 am
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