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 Joke of the Day 
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LMAO.......that was great. Can't wait to use it as my own! :wink:


December 19th, 2007, 1:37 pm
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That one was funny...

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December 19th, 2007, 4:20 pm
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Post Larry LaPrise dies
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and that's when the trouble started.

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December 20th, 2007, 5:14 pm
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Post Re: Larry LaPrise dies
LionFan57 wrote:
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and that's when the trouble started.


HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Thanks LF57, I needed that today! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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December 20th, 2007, 5:50 pm
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Post How to play poker
The Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any panties under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."



Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

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December 21st, 2007, 7:19 am
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Post Re: Old Married Man Hunting
LionFan57 wrote:
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...


The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


Bravo!

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December 21st, 2007, 10:11 pm
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Post Redneck pick up lines
Redneck pick up lines


1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8 ) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I Think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon.

And.... The best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!

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January 8th, 2008, 8:46 pm
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Received this in an email today:

Quote:
Body In The Detroit River Detroit, MI

Detroit Police today reported finding a body in the Detroit River. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Detroit Lions jersey. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum. The police thoughtfully removed the Lions jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.

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January 10th, 2008, 1:30 pm
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."


January 10th, 2008, 2:19 pm
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Post Body In The Detroit River
TheRealWags wrote:
Received this in an email today:

Quote:
Body In The Detroit River Detroit, MI

Detroit Police today reported finding a body in the Detroit River. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Detroit Lions jersey. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum. The police thoughtfully removed the Lions jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.



LMAO!!

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January 10th, 2008, 11:57 pm
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Post the onion
This Link Is... NOT WORK SAFE!!

But it's funny as hell.

Only in America!

Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career


'The Onion' is an old satirical magazine that now does on line stuff such as this.

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January 15th, 2008, 1:55 am
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In the spirit of the Election year I thought I would share this (it may have already been posted, but I'm too lazy to look for it)

Quote:
DEM vs REP
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the in, and the occasional chat lectures that she had participated with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking her how she was doing in school.

Taken back, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Aubrey doing?"

She replied, "Aubrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1 .0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That wouldn't be fair!” I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Aubrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party"

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January 17th, 2008, 3:58 pm
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More election stuff. Not really a joke, but I didn't want to start a new thread just for it. Enjoy!

Quote:
If Hillary wins in 2008 and Bill is 'appointed' to fill her Senate

seat and either live to retire 'they' (together or alone) would get

two US Presidential retirement checks, two US Senate retirement

checks, and a retirement check from the State of Arkansas .

About the only thing they MIGHT NOT get is a Social Security

check....but I wouldn't bet on it....

I understand ole Bill has earned $40,000,000 in the past six years.

What a guy!

AND THE REST OF THE STORY... Hilarious Rotten Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under the 'Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan,' which means that even if she never gets reelected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies. (Would it not be nice if all Americans were pension eligible after only 4 years?)

If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that?

It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York .

Makes sense!

They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life.

Still makes sense.

Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence 'had' to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents

The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use of that extra residence, which is about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff -- and, this is all perfectly legal!

As she runs for President, will YOU vote for her?

How many people can YOU send this to?

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January 22nd, 2008, 3:58 pm
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Post A New Fragrance
If you've ever listened to Bob & Tom on the radio you know they're as funny as hell.

This is 'Hill'-arious!!

Click Here: A New Fragrance

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January 22nd, 2008, 8:08 pm
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Post Why Sentence structure is so important.
Why Sentence structure is so important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like poop.

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January 26th, 2008, 2:39 pm
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