Joke of the Day
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Author:  steensn [ July 13th, 2010, 10:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

HAHA, nice!

Author:  slybri19 [ July 14th, 2010, 6:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Divorce Agreement
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.... I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

•Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
•We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
•We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
•You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
•We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
•We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
•You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
•We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
•Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

Author:  footfans [ July 15th, 2010, 8:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

:lol: hahahahahaha...!!

Author:  njroar [ July 15th, 2010, 7:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, worthless, left wing Commie who isn't even an American."

"There we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Author:  steensn [ July 15th, 2010, 7:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day


Author:  jhonsadins [ July 17th, 2010, 2:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Hello People..
That's a good one!

Author:  njroar [ July 21st, 2010, 12:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day


Author:  njroar [ July 21st, 2010, 12:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Doctors & Unemployed

Israeli doctor... Medicine in my country is so advanced, that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks!

German doctor... That is nothing,we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks!

Russian doctor... In my country, medicine is so advanced, that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks!

Kentucky doctor... You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois and put him in The White House and within six months, half the country is looking for work!

Author:  TheRealWags [ July 23rd, 2010, 12:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Not necessarily a joke, but I thought it was funny:


Author:  TheRealWags [ July 23rd, 2010, 2:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

I apologize in advance if this offends anyone.


Author:  jomo269 [ July 23rd, 2010, 4:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Nice, how many kids could say that? A whole lot in my day [-o<

Author:  slybri19 [ July 31st, 2010, 10:04 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

The Democrat voter’s pledge:

I vote Democrat because the government knows what’s best for me.

I vote Democrat because if we don’t like something, we will get it banned and outlawed.

I vote Democrat because I believe in global warming and we must spend massive money to stop it, in spite of the fact that all of the “facts” were lies.

I vote Democrat because it’s immoral for private banks to make a profit, but it’s OK for the government to do so.

I vote Democrat because the government knows how to spend my money better than I do.

I vote Democrat because the poor, lazy, and clueless have a right to my earnings.

I vote Democrat because we must have the freedom to kill as many babies as necessary, yet we must defend the rights of murderers at all cost. No, that’s not backwards.

I vote Democrat because all people should have equal access to poor health care.

I vote Democrat because unqualified minorities should be required to take jobs that qualified white people would be outstanding at.

I vote Democrat because only criminals should have guns.

I vote Democrat because if a murderous thief breaks into your house, he has a right to your stuff, and you should only have the right to run away, not defend yourself or protect your loved ones or belongings.

I vote Democrat because of eight letters: ACLU and SEIU. The ACLU – protecting criminals from good people like you.

I vote Democrat because we need to slow down. Efficiency is bad.

I vote Democrat because I hate and envy the wealthy and successful. They must be punished.

I vote Democrat because freedom of speech should not apply to opposing (conservative) viewpoints.

I vote Democrat because I’m politically correct and easily offended.

I vote Democrat because I’m not racist, but I feel the need to come to the rescue of minorities because they’re too stupid to do it themselves.

I vote Democrat because Muslims will leave us alone and learn to love us if we just stop harassing them.

I vote Democrat because light bulbs filled with highly poisonous mercury are far better for the environment than light bulbs filled with tiny wires.

I vote Democrat because the Constitution is an outdated document that I have never read and never will.

I vote Democrat because my heroes in Hollywood do.

I vote Democrat because nobody should excel or stand out – it hurts other people’s feelings.

I vote Democrat because the government knows how to deal with businesses that make a profit, as well as businesses that are failing.

I vote Democrat because all the evil in the world is because of capitalism and the United States.

I vote Democrat because people are just too stupid to control their own lives.

And finally, I vote Democrat because, well, is there any other point of view? Not according to what I learned from public schools, the media, and Hollywood.

Author:  njroar [ August 5th, 2010, 4:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Saw this on sigforum and lol'd...

As related to me by my pal....

"Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, but was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's rectum and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore."

Author:  njroar [ August 6th, 2010, 12:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals,

then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to perform.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross/Blue Shield and they have Obama Care.

Author:  slybri19 [ August 8th, 2010, 9:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A....

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

Remember, there is a test coming up.

The mid-term election in November 2010.....

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