Joke of the Day
Page 3 of 27

Author:  LionFan57 [ November 21st, 2006, 2:03 am ]
Post subject:  Elderly Grandfather

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the 'Ding' and out on the 'Dong.'"

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Author:  TheRealWags [ November 24th, 2006, 12:14 pm ]
Post subject:  My Private Part Died Today

My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she

replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall

with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that..Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Author:  LionFan57 [ November 25th, 2006, 2:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Steelers need a quarterback with a shorter last name!!!

Steelers need a quarterback with a shorter last name!!!

Cleveland Browns Fan


Pittsburgh Steelers Fan


Author:  TheRealWags [ November 30th, 2006, 12:52 pm ]
Post subject: 

I received this in an email, thought I would share......

had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/dehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a
bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that *****
is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw
the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself
"uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time I could hear her say "What the hell is
WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her
chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't ***** for 5 days, and when
she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from
down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that
was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd
been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an *******, but it was still a funny night.

Author:  m2karateman [ December 1st, 2006, 9:10 am ]
Post subject: 

George Bush-Your Fate Awaits You

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil.. "you're on my list,
but I
have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I
I' am
going to have to let someone else go.
"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll
let one
of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let
you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was
his fate in Hell.
"No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer,
and I don't think I could do that all day long".
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was s swing the
hammer, over and over, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day", commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton
lying onthe floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in
a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
"Yeah, I can handle this."The Devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go"


Renewing Faith in Mankind

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an assisted home for the aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she wou ld never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said f*ck you.

Thank you for that opportunity.


Author:  LionFan57 [ December 3rd, 2006, 1:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Blonde Joke!

Football FINALLY makes sense...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'... I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Author:  LionFan57 [ December 7th, 2006, 6:43 am ]
Post subject:  The Fishing Equipment Salesman

The Fishing Equipment Salesman

A woman goes into Sports Authority to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a cashier standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

Author:  LionFan57 [ December 8th, 2006, 9:45 am ]
Post subject:  10,000 Visits!


Author:  LionFan57 [ December 8th, 2006, 7:50 pm ]
Post subject:  The Dinner Party

So there you are, having a dinner party...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there,

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then in walks the dog...


Author:  m2karateman [ December 9th, 2006, 11:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Dinner Party

LionFan57 wrote:
So there you are, having a dinner party...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there,

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then in walks the dog...


Gives new meaning to the term 'throw the dog a bone'.

Author:  LionFan57 [ December 9th, 2006, 11:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Dinner Party

m2karateman wrote:
LionFan57 wrote:
So there you are, having a dinner party...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there,

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then in walks the dog...


Gives new meaning to the term 'throw the dog a bone'.

LMAO!! :lol:

Author:  TheRealWags [ December 12th, 2006, 2:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Dinner Party

LionFan57 wrote:
So there you are, having a dinner party...

Your parents are there...

Your in-laws are there...

Your boss and his wife are there...

The minister and his wife are there,

You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner...

Then in walks the dog...


Guess you should've trained the dog a little bit better, huh? :lol: :shock: :lol:

Author:  TheRealWags [ December 12th, 2006, 2:03 pm ]
Post subject: 

For My Democrat Friends:

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low- stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/ or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."

For My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Author:  LionFan57 [ December 13th, 2006, 11:21 am ]
Post subject:  Michigan Girls!

Michigan Girls...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes,and the cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Michigan girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Author:  BillySims [ December 15th, 2006, 2:31 am ]
Post subject: 


Sorry, this is the only way I could find to post this. It was sent to me in an email and for some reason, I can't post it as an image. Just click on the link and then zoom in to be able to read it better.

Page 3 of 27 All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group