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Joke of the Day
http://www.lionbacker.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=7137
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Author:  TheRealWags [ September 23rd, 2010, 10:20 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Quote:
First-year students at Kansas State Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first most important thing is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the

dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

Author:  TheRealWags [ September 24th, 2010, 3:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

@thelordyourgod wrote:
"PLEASE HOLD. YOUR PRAYER IS IMPORTANT TO THE LORD YOUR GOD. EXPECTED WAIT TIME TO SPEAK WITH A REPRESENTATIVE IS. 30. THOUSAND. YEARS."

Author:  TheRealWags [ October 14th, 2010, 9:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2 ... -cake.html

:lol:

Author:  LionFan57 [ October 14th, 2010, 5:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Susie

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.


She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.


It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.


Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So, they buried Susie.

Author:  slybri19 [ October 23rd, 2010, 11:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

SEASON'S GREETINGS

T'was the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
tired of political clap-trap

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out my window
Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!

'On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause
And as they flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think
On this one final note—

IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM
BETTER GET OUT AND VOTE !!!!

GOD BLESS AMERICA, OUR ONLY HOPE!

Author:  TNLionsFanatic [ October 25th, 2010, 4:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK!


A lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.

Author:  TheRealWags [ December 9th, 2010, 1:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

The BEST card trick ever!

http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humo ... Trick.html

:shock:

Author:  TheRealWags [ December 9th, 2010, 4:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Here's something to help brighten your day

http://imgur.com/cQP7H

8)

Author:  steensn [ December 9th, 2010, 5:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

TheRealWags wrote:
Here's something to help brighten your day

http://imgur.com/cQP7H

8)


That was awesome...

Author:  LionsFan4Life [ December 9th, 2010, 5:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Too funny!

Author:  m2karateman [ January 7th, 2011, 7:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Political humor....from Facebook:

A Conservative and a Liberal were walking down the street when they came across two homeless men. The Conservative gave the first homeless man his business card and told him he had a job waiting. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the man. The Liberal gave the second homeless man directions to the nearest welfare office, reached into the Conservative's pocket and gave him $50.

Author:  steensn [ January 10th, 2011, 11:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

For Wags ;)

Image

Author:  slybri19 [ January 26th, 2011, 9:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.

Author:  TheRealWags [ February 1st, 2011, 12:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

Damn kids!

Quote:
Way too true and funny.worth the read.

If you are 35, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....
Uphill...Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in
hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how
hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean,
compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say
it,but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up
ourselves,in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put
it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps
were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a
matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to
kick our rectum! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal
music,you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the
DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were
no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape
and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone
rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house,
you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be
out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the
horror...not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's
TEXTING. Yeah,right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you
are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your
boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just
didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video gameswith
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square!
You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple
levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could
never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until
you died!Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! you were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your rectum and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!
Oh, no,what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled little Brats!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we
had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.
Oh,no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back
inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung
on.
If you were lucky, you got the "safetyarm" across the chest at the last
moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard,
well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it
too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five
minutes back in the 1970's or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile

Author:  slybri19 [ February 2nd, 2011, 11:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Joke of the Day

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix ....

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?

Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?


Nooooooo!


The mayor asked:


Do you have a blue Mexican?'

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