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 Joke of the Day 
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RIP Killer
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Joined: June 26th, 2006, 1:03 pm
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TheRealWags wrote:
Quote:
IRS Audit




Have a great tax day!!

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditr can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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April 26th, 2007, 12:46 pm
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Anybody ever seen Desperado? Quentin Tarantino's character tells a joke similar to that one.


April 26th, 2007, 3:53 pm
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Post Age 59 and pregnant?
Age 59 and Pregnant?



A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

"The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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May 4th, 2007, 5:56 am
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Quote:
THE PRICE OF FISHING

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex"
....and she said, "Wear sun-block."


May 10th, 2007, 5:03 pm
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Joined: October 15th, 2005, 12:32 pm
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My friend, a trucker, had been out on the road for two weeks and stopped at a brothel outside Atlanta .


He walked up to the Madam, threw down $500 and said, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam was astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

My friend replied, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."


May 12th, 2007, 10:13 pm
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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo all decide that they have a right to be in the Guiness Book of World Records and go to visit their main office. Sleeping Beauty goes in first, and after a short while exits the office triumphantly pronouncing "It's official. I am now in the Guiness Book as the Most Beautiful Woman in the World."

Tom Thumb goes in next to be proclaimed the smallest person. He exits shortly thereafter, proclaiming "It's official, I am in the Guiness Book as the smallest person in the world."

Not to be outdone, Quasimodo goes in next to be proclaimed the ugliest person in the world. He exits a short while later. However, instead of a looking triumphant, he looks befuddled and asks the others "Who the Hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

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May 12th, 2007, 10:40 pm
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"Who the Hell is Rosie O'Donnell". LMAO


May 13th, 2007, 8:39 am
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Post Top Anti-USA Terrorist Captured
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - 6/4/2007



Top Anti-USA Terrorist Captured











Image

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June 4th, 2007, 7:49 pm
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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.



Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support


June 8th, 2007, 7:40 pm
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Post 
STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."


"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
a-hole?" he asked.


"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge..."

Traffic Ticket
$95.00
Court Costs
$45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............

PRICELESS

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June 15th, 2007, 4:01 pm
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SEX IN FLORIDA

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes
them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex
therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appo intment,
they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't
go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.


July 13th, 2007, 11:47 am
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Post Re: Top Anti-USA Terrorist Captured
LionFan57 wrote:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - 6/4/2007


Top Anti-USA Terrorist Captured


Image


I wonder how long it took to photoshop that much of her beard out???


July 13th, 2007, 4:24 pm
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Joined: February 28th, 2007, 12:13 pm
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Lol.


July 15th, 2007, 5:13 pm
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Subject: Thinking

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home.

One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But, Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, and her lower lip began to quiver.

"You think as much as a college professor, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week t was Porky's, the week before, it was Animal House.

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I made the final step.

I registered to vote as a Democrat.

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July 26th, 2007, 10:59 am
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RIP Killer
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Learn to Pay ATTENTION!!



First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to
have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and
sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and
told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in
my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay
attention."

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July 26th, 2007, 11:02 am
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