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 Joke of the Day 
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RIP Killer
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Joined: October 20th, 2004, 4:16 pm
Posts: 9940
Location: Where ever I'm at now
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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes
down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for
the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must
be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed
up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer. .. "

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July 26th, 2007, 1:47 pm
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lol :lol:

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July 26th, 2007, 2:24 pm
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Joined: October 26th, 2005, 11:48 pm
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This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile! I just loved this one.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

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2 Chronicles 10:14, "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."


August 7th, 2007, 11:28 pm
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Modmin Dude
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Joined: December 31st, 2004, 9:55 am
Posts: 12202
Post 
Quote:
How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food


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August 14th, 2007, 10:29 am
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RIP Killer
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Joined: August 6th, 2004, 9:21 am
Posts: 9516
Location: Dallas
Post 
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

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September 7th, 2007, 2:41 pm
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Joined: January 27th, 2005, 9:12 pm
Posts: 1610
Location: Midland, MI
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During a severe power outage a very smart 3 year old girl had the good sense to call 911 when her very pregnant mother went into labor with no one else around.

The dispacther ask the little girl her name, "Katherine" the girl replied. The dispatcher told her to be calm and help was on the way.

Unfortunately a high volume of calls due to the power outage had left the paramedics shorthanded. So a lone paramedic was sent to the scene.

Upon arrival the paramedic was greeted at the door by the little girl. Realizing that she was alone with her mother the paramedic asked Katherine to be brave and hold his flashlight while he helped her mother.

During the entire delivery and all her mother's screams, Katherine stood her post never moving or complaining even once.

Finally a fine baby boy was delivered, the paramedic held the boy by his feet and gave him a sharp crack on the bottom, the baby started to cry and was handed to his mother.

Looking at a very wide eyed Katherine, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just seen.

Whithout hesisitation the little girl replied, "He shouldn't have crawled in there the first place, smack his rectum again!"





Women always get the last word :wink:


September 30th, 2007, 10:20 am
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Joined: October 26th, 2005, 11:48 pm
Posts: 3039
Location: Elkhart, In.
Post 
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado...
and off they were whirled to the land of OZ



They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.


' What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?'


Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
'I've come for some courage.'

'No Problem!' said the Wizard. 'Who's next?'



Richard Nixon stepped forward,
'Well, I think I need a heart.'



'Done!' says the Wizard.
'Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?'




Up stepped George Bush and said,
'I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.'

'No problem!' said the Wizard. 'Consider it done.'


Then there was a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
'Well, what do you want?'


'IS DOROTHY HERE?'
'Life is short, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.

_________________
2 Chronicles 10:14, "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."


November 1st, 2007, 10:59 pm
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Joined: October 26th, 2005, 11:48 pm
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Location: Elkhart, In.
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened,
what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie
O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a
$10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with
gasoline and set them on fire. So we are going from car to car,
taking up a
collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon ".........

_________________
2 Chronicles 10:14, "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."


November 7th, 2007, 6:07 pm
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One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.


December 2nd, 2007, 6:38 pm
Modmin Dude
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Joined: December 31st, 2004, 9:55 am
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

Is that a true story wjb? :wink:

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December 2nd, 2007, 11:28 pm
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TheRealWags wrote:
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Is that a true story wjb? :wink:



LoL.. I forgot to post the little "this is from XXX" that came with it... it was from a "bulliten" on "Myspace"...

But... Currently, I don't really keep girls around long enough to have them start denying me sex and worrying about my emotional involvement with thim... :D Perhaps I'll do that after I'm done with school... Right now I don't have the time... School-work, beer and football work are my priorities right now.


December 2nd, 2007, 11:36 pm
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Post Senior Sex
Senior Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January'

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December 12th, 2007, 8:49 am
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Post Frosty the Snowman
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December 14th, 2007, 7:57 am
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Post Another Snowman Story
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December 15th, 2007, 8:39 am
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Post Old Married Man Hunting
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...


The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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December 19th, 2007, 11:50 am
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