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 Fearless Predictions for the 2005 NFL Season 
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Post Fearless Predictions for the 2005 NFL Season
Fearless Predictions for the 2005 NFL Season
By Sax
Published: August 6, 2005
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1. After trading for Marvin Harrison, Terrell Owens, Torry Holt, Steve Smith, and Randy Moss, the Detroit Lions start running 10 receiver sets. The NFL gives the Lions permission to use 4 balls on all passing plays and the Lions score an average of 123 points a game. Their only loss will be a forfeit when Owens and Moss got into a slapping match and the team all stood around watching them fight.

2. Touchdown celebrations get more insane when Joe Horn, in an attempt to one-up his previous cell-phone celebration, has an 80?s bag phone under his jersey . He attempts to call someone who cares, but gets no answer.

3. Dan Morgan has a career ending paper cut while signing a new multi-year contract. He then sues the Panthers for unsafe work conditions stating that he should have been warned before being asked to sign any contract that paper was such a silent killer.

4. Peyton Manning, in a half-hearted, underachieving season, only throws for 45 Touchdowns. He is immediately cut by the Colts. In a lesser story, the Colts win the Super Bowl.

5. Mike Vick runs out of bounds and is patted on the back by Jon Gruden resulting in a late hit ? out of bounds penalty on the Bucs. The game is put on hold for 5 minutes as Joe Theisman heroicly jumps to action and detaches from Vick?s butt to apply a band aid to Vick?s ouchie.

6. After a disappointing season, Mike Tice resigns from the Viking?s head coaching position to become a full-time ticket scalper.

7. Alex Smith demands that the 49ers renegotiate his contract after 3 days of training camp. When asked to justify how he could possible deserve a new contract, he stated that he had obviously outperformed his contract in his first 3 days of camp and that he would either have to be traded or have his contract renegotiated. The 49ers, sick of bad publicity and with no talent on their roster, disband their team and become actors in political correctness training videos for other teams.

8. The Patriots lose to the Colts in the AFC playoffs. Bill Belichik systematically executes all the losers on his team and becomes a sweatsuit model.

9. Browns QB Jeff Garcia makes the 1 millionth reference to NFL standing for ?No Fun League? after the NFL fines him $10K for wearing socks made of 80% cotton rather than the league standard 90% cotton.

10. Mike Holmgren begins therapy after the ESPN power rankings have the Seahawks rated as 12th in the NFL. He is quoted as saying that if the power rankings say his team won?t be very good this year they should not even bother trying because all hope was truly lost.

11. Terrell Owens family found starving in his multi-million dollar house. Drew Rosenhaus calls out the Eagles front office "the most greedy, uncaring people in the world." Amazingly, Rosenhaus never sees the irony in that statement.

12. John Madden becomes confused and disoriented during the opening MNF game and declares that the Houston Oilers are the team to beat this year if Warren Moon can stay healthy all year. Al Michaels, obviously embarassed, pretends that he doesn't know Madden.

13. Joe Thiesman embarrasses himself and his loved ones when he, obviously deeply intoxicated, forces ESPN to cut his sideline interview with Mike Vick short by slurring out the words "I don't care about the game. I just wanna kiss you," to the star QB.

14.Deon Sanders retires and joins NFL Countdown. 10's of thousands of plasma and LCD TV's are confiscated by the Dept. of Homeland Security out of fears that the sight of Sanders' and Michael Irvin's suits in HD could be used by terrorists as a weapon of mass destruction.

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August 7th, 2005, 12:40 am
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I laughed my rectum off for a good 5 minutes!


Michael Huff for DROY

August 7th, 2005, 1:02 pm
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This is funny!

Where did you find it?

August 7th, 2005, 3:13 pm
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August 7th, 2005, 5:10 pm
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