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 Joke of the Day 
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RIP Killer
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
Ouch

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February 2nd, 2011, 11:32 pm
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to Higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends, because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The Republican party.'

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February 6th, 2011, 9:43 am
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Modmin Dude
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
Isn't that a re-post Sly???

Could've swore I've seen that in here before.....

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February 8th, 2011, 11:41 am
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RIP Killer
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
It's an oldy but a goody

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February 8th, 2011, 11:54 am
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
I knew I had seen it before, but I couldn't remember where. Oh well. How about this one:

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

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February 8th, 2011, 8:50 pm
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RIP Killer
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
HAHAHA, Didn't see the last line coming...

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February 9th, 2011, 10:53 am
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Modmin Dude
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
That's another oldie but goodie :lol:

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February 10th, 2011, 3:49 pm
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RIP Killer
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

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February 14th, 2011, 7:36 pm
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RIP Killer
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
There were three women, all of whom had died and were waiting to get into Heaven. St. Peter met them at the gates and explained to them how things worked in their final resting place.

"One thing you must know, is that you cannot step on any of the ducklings", he explained.

Confused, the three women quickly agreed and moved past the Pearly Gates. Once inside, they realized that Heaven was awash with ducklings, and that walking around and not stepping on one by accident would be a difficult task.

Less than a day had passed, and one of the women accidently trod on one of the poor ducklings. St. Peter quickly appeared, along with the ugliest man any of the three had ever seen. The man was chained to the woman who has stepped on the young duck, and St. Peter said "For breaking the rules of Heaven, this main will be chained to you for all eternity."

The other two ladies sympathized, but could do nothing and went on their way, being careful not to step on any ducklings. However, the following day one of the women lost her focus and accidentally stepped on a duckling. Once again, St. Peter showed up with a the nastiest looking man either woman had seen, and chained the man to the rule breaking woman.

Left on her own, the third woman made sure to step very careful around Heaven, and over a month passed without her steping on one of the ducklings. However, one day St. Peter showed up, along with perhaps the most attractive young man the lady had ever seen. He chained the good looking fellow to the woman and without saying a word, disappeared.

"Wow" the woman said, "what did I do to deserve this?"

"I don't know" the young man answered, "but I accidentally stepped on one of those damn ducks."

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May 3rd, 2011, 10:53 am
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RIP Killer
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
m2karateman wrote:
There were three women, all of whom had died and were waiting to get into Heaven. St. Peter met them at the gates and explained to them how things worked in their final resting place.

"One thing you must know, is that you cannot step on any of the ducklings", he explained.

Confused, the three women quickly agreed and moved past the Pearly Gates. Once inside, they realized that Heaven was awash with ducklings, and that walking around and not stepping on one by accident would be a difficult task.

Less than a day had passed, and one of the women accidently trod on one of the poor ducklings. St. Peter quickly appeared, along with the ugliest man any of the three had ever seen. The man was chained to the woman who has stepped on the young duck, and St. Peter said "For breaking the rules of Heaven, this main will be chained to you for all eternity."

The other two ladies sympathized, but could do nothing and went on their way, being careful not to step on any ducklings. However, the following day one of the women lost her focus and accidentally stepped on a duckling. Once again, St. Peter showed up with a nasty looking man and chained the man to the rule breaking woman.

Left on her own, the third woman made sure to step very careful around Heaven, and over a month passed without her steping on one of the ducklings. However, one day St. Peter showed up, along with perhaps the most attractive young man the lady had ever seen. He chained the good looking fellow to the woman and without saying a word, disappeared.

"Wow" the woman said, "what did I do to deserve this?"

"I don't know" the young man answered, "but I accidentally stepped on one of those damn ducks."

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May 3rd, 2011, 10:54 am
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RIP Killer
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
HA!

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regularjoe12 - "You are crackin me up! really! HILARIOUS um let me quote some intellgent people in this coneversation: Steensn:"


May 3rd, 2011, 10:56 am
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RIP Killer
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
Quote:
Bedtime Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her
a story and listened to her prayers which ended by
saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye
Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it
was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed
and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-
bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in
contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed
the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and
good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep
all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to
his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he
would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so
instead of going home at the end of the day he
stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch
and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight
arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen
you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just
spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll
never believe what happened to me. This morning
my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"


And this......

Quote:
Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his
father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a
fortune when his sickly father died, he decided
he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he
spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"but in just a few years, my father will die and I
will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card
and three days later, she became his stepmother.

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July 15th, 2011, 8:45 am
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Modmin Dude
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
Quote:
Artist: King Missile
Song: Detatchable Penis

Lyrics:
I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.

[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the rectum,
I like having a detachable penis.

[background voices continue to sing "detachable penis" for
a while, then out]



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July 20th, 2011, 11:01 am
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
well good morning 1992! nice to see you again! I had totally forgotten about that song...classic

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July 20th, 2011, 11:13 am
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RIP Killer
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Post Re: Joke of the Day
Two Italian guys are walking along the street, when Tony suddenly passes out and drops onto the pavement unconscious. His buddy, Mario, launches into action.

"Hello, this is the 9-1-1 operator, what is your emergency?"

"Hey," Mario says quickly, "my buddy Tony.......I think he's dead."

"Well, are you sure he's dead? Can you make sure for me?"

As the operator listens, she suddenly hears a gun shot.

"Yep, he's dead. Now what?"

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July 21st, 2011, 1:14 pm
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