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 Joke of the Day 
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Joined: May 7th, 2005, 3:25 pm
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Bill Clinton started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.

" she would cry
out from the curb.
"Fifty Dollars!"

"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton .

This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back,
"Five dollars!"

One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.


He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the junior Senator.


As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.

Sure enough,
there was the hooker!


Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.


Then,

from the sidewalk,

the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?"


February 24th, 2007, 3:03 am
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Quote:
As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important interview, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possesion in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out,

"Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........













http://us.f329.mail.yahoo.com/ya/downlo ... x&inline=1




I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.

It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.



http://www.us.f329.mail.yahoo.com/ya/do ... x&inline=1


March 11th, 2007, 8:45 pm
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in
4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh poop!"

Only Wisconsin and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin..."


March 21st, 2007, 3:18 pm
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CONTRARY TO POPULAR OPINION, THAT IS NOT BARBRA BUSH ON THE $1 BILL :!:


March 21st, 2007, 10:00 pm
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lol, or "hold my gun, I'm gonna try somethin"

Twice I've been in a car/truck that's hit a deer in Central/Upper MI and random yokuls have stopped and pulled .40s or .45s out of their holsters/pants and popped the deer and drove off...

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March 21st, 2007, 10:12 pm
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I few days off from April Fool's Day but I have a pretty good one that everyone might not find funny...

A mother gives birth to a baby and the doctor picks it up by it's leg's and smacks it on the butt. Then he punches it in it's face followed by drop kicking it across the room where it lays on the floor. The mom screams in horror, "You killed my baby, what are you doing?"

The doctor replies, "April Fool's Day, your baby was already dead."

I know it's pretty crude.


April 4th, 2007, 4:20 pm
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Email I received today........

Quote:
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across
the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

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April 6th, 2007, 4:37 pm
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Location: Onaway, MI
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conversion02 wrote:
lol, or "hold my gun, I'm gonna try somethin"

Twice I've been in a car/truck that's hit a deer in Central/Upper MI and random yokuls have stopped and pulled .40s or .45s out of their holsters/pants and popped the deer and drove off...



Hey I find this as a direct attack against my name on this board! I want apologies and Lions tickets....well maybe not Lions tickets, I want cash contributions instead to my neighbor Bubba and his teeth fund!

We find dead animals on the road all the time...no we dont eat them....well we usually dont eat them, so yeah its kind of normal for someone to stop and put the animal out of its misery, but thats not all of us. In fact if you hit a coyote or wolf call me first since I can get $150 for its fur :D

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April 6th, 2007, 6:08 pm
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Quote:
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.


Do I even want to go there?

and

Quote:
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.


LOL. I've done that. LOL.

I have a 24 volt Craftsman cordless power drill that I use frequently. And i often chase my 17 month old grand daughter around with it. LOL.


April 7th, 2007, 2:31 am
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TheRealWags wrote:
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.


That one is pretty clever.

Me and my friends write things like these in papers constantly (we are a little bit more discreet), and it is amazing how rarely a teacher actually acknowledges them. We actually have contests to see how far we can push it without getting a "see me after class" written next to the grade.

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April 11th, 2007, 9:48 am
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Quote:
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"

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April 19th, 2007, 11:20 am
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theAlphaMale wrote:
Quote:
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


April 19th, 2007, 11:40 pm
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April 24th, 2007, 12:52 am
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Quote:
Republicans vs. Democrats



A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. (aka Socialism)

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking her how she was doing in school.

Taken back, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Aubrey doing?"

She replied, "Aubrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, ?That wouldn't be fair!? I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Aubrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party"


Oldie but a goody...

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April 26th, 2007, 8:13 am
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Quote:
IRS Audit




Have a great tax day!!

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditr can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

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April 26th, 2007, 12:20 pm
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